I feel vaguely bad that most of my posts lately have been nothing but funny links I've seen about food, but this one from The Oatmeal sparked a little more thought:

While I can't speak for other metropolitan areas DC is seeing a rash of restaurants and coffee shops opening using pieces of this model, often to the frustration of their own patrons. *BEGIN RANT*

1. Only accept cash

Old Murky Coffee anyone? This one bit owner Nick Cho in the ass in no small way (ie. there is no Murky Coffee anymore after Nick came under fire for unpaid taxes). This was quite common in San Francisco, where it was noteworthy to go to a taquria that actually took Visa, largely one assumes to the questionable legality of one or more of the worker's/owner's and their ability to get a Visa merchant account. Nefarious reasons aside I can understand the draw from an owners perspective: credit card processing is expensive and a hassle. It also gives a place something of a bohemian, edgy feel... I guess.

By the same token, using statistics I'm completely guessing at, I would say only one out of every ten transactions I make is a cash transaction. It's a huge pain to go get cash just for a good cup of coffee.  Perhaps thats a little higher than most, but I would venture the majority of people, especially in a large city, are close to the same.

Businesses should strive to make paying easier, not harder. Taking credit cards has never been easier or less hassle thanks to services like Square. When Near Field Communication makes it into cell phones, and thus the hands of nearly every consumer in the civilized world, being asked to get cash to make a small purchase will seem even more antiquated and grandmotherly. 

2. Pick a ridiculously small venue that only has three tables that way there's constantly a line out the door

First lets go back to Econ 101:

The idea is simple, but profound. Doing things that up the amount of demand ups the price that can be charged.

Now I don't want to to hate on places that have lines. While they're annoying there are places where the line really does indicate a noteworthy place. Two of my favorite places from San Francisco exemplify this: Bi-Rite Creamery and Tartine (Ritual Coffee: Honorable Mention). Go at the wrong time of day and either of these places are guaranteed to have a line out the door and around the block (go at the right time of day and the line may only be out the door). That's not due to any games on the owners part in either regard; both have actually attempted to expand their seating. It's simply because they're both so damn good that people will wait as long as they must to enjoy Tartine's morning rolls or Bi-Rite's salted carmel ice cream. It's so good it's worth the wait. Spike Mendelson's Good Stuff Eatery falls into this category in Washington DC. 

Honestly I can't think of any places that demonstrate the negative side of this trait in DC, but that's largely because I avoid them, or at least plan around going to them to avoid the insane lines. Dairy Godmother vaguely comes to mind, but less for small space than small staff, though perhaps not artificially so. Some of the bars and restaurants in the Atlas/H Street district are guilty of this, which is inexcusable given how easy expanding into another abandonded storefront could be. 

3. Give it an obnoxious name like "The Place"

Winner of this one actually goes to a favorite of mine: Againn. Now you might expect a place like this to be pronounced something like "Again-nn". You would be incorrect. This upscale British gastropub (which mind you I really do like) is pretentious enough to demand that it be pronounced "Aguuwin". This is apparently an Irish affectation, but is really just obnoxious, made even more so by the fact wait staff will go out of their way to correct you on it.

More awesome and relevent names, like Vendetta (an Italian restaurant and wine bar with bocce rumored to be coming to H Street) would be appreciated.  

4. Offer a tiny menu and refuse to do any custom orders

This is the only one of these things I'm conflicted about. I am a large believer that food should be enjoyed the way the chef intended it. There are things that can be messed up by allowing the diner too much say so, and sometimes a chef has to protect people from themselves. In San Francisco I took my parents to my favorite bahn mi place (Saigon Sandwiches in the Tenderloin) and was appalled when my mother insisted on having her roast pork bahn mi made without "mayo" (actually it was fish sauce and mayo, but I knew she'd never go for something called "fish sauce" in spite of the fact it's the best part of the sandwich). She later complained it was dry and unenjoyable, but to be honest it was her own fault. 

DC's lower end food scene is built on a number of restaurants with small menus that limit choices. Though it's gone national now Five Guys is a perfect example of this. There's only about 6 actual items on the menu, and they can focus on doing them well. You know that going to Five Guys means a burger and fries, grilled cheese for the vegetarians, and maybe a hot dog if you're really out there. That said the burgers and fries, which only come in two styles (always get cajun, always), are always done well. But you know that going in. 

 

Bonus: Don't accept reservations, ever, in any way

I don't think every restaurant on earth needs to accept reservations. If the average person eats for under $20 and most people sit for less than a half hour to eat then by all means don't have a reservation system. That said its become an increasing trend in DC to explicitly not have a reservation policy of any kind, and as a diner it's enough to make you want to punch a baby.

This may have started, and indeed was certainly novel, with Ray's the Steaks. Now Ray's is, dollar for dollar, the best steak place I've ever been (and I really should do a review of it) but it's always difficult to go to. Ray's takes no reservations, show up the night you want to eat and see if a seat is available. Usually they can work something out in under an hour, though I've walked right in and sat down on a few occasions, and I've also walked away somewhat disgusted after an hour plus. That's just part of the Ray's experience, along with their minimal but well structured menu, basic furnishings and decoration, and no-nonsense service. You take the good with the bad.

Then came Granville Moore's and Ba Bay. Now in all fairness this policy is all I can bash these two for. Granville is the best moules (especially the blue cheese and pork belly) and frites in the District by my approximation and Ba Bay has done much to satisfy my previously unmet Vietnamese cravings. The food at both is superb, service is great, prices are spot on, and decor is charming. I found myself thinking about both of them for dinner on a third date but can only do so tentatively because neither take reservations. The best I could do was plan to call ahead, check the wait, and hope for the best, all the while having a Sticky Rice reservation on OpenTable just in case.

Now I'm a huge OpenTable fan. I use it to book old favorites and discover new places worth trying. It's a great, universally accepted system among diners. If you run a restaurant where two people will have a combined bill of $50 or more and you expect a turn over of 45 minutes or more than do everyone a favor and allow reservations.

Small Sub Rant: If you fit the above criteria please just use OpenTable. While having your own PHP based reservation system on your website may make you feel like your restaurant is a beautiful and unique snowflake it's both unnecessary and overly difficult. OpenTable knows their stuff, let them do it.